Why I Am a Republican
Because I am morally superior.
Because I am kinder, more charitable, and more compassionate than wishy-washy, government-loving liberals.
Because I am an individualist and fearlessly face fierce feminists, fascists, frivolity, thugs, drugs, bugs, socialism, sin, and other threats to our way of life.
Because America is God's country and God hates Democrats. He will send them all to hell.
Because guns are the foundation of freedom. My guns are all loaded. Including the one in my pocket. So watch it.
Because we should always trust authority and do what our leaders say. Liberals are not authorities or leaders even if they are elected. Rush says so.
Because corporations and billionaires are people too. Good people. They should not have to pay taxes, then they will trickle down more money to us.
Because my indignation is righteous.
Because I am a white man.
Because I am not a racist, even though the people of different races are racists. They are also Muslims and Anarchists and other kinds of Godless terrorists.
Because evolution never happened. I know because I did not evolve.
Because global warming and conservation and ecology are tree-hugging, owl-loving, politically correct, cliche-spouting liberal hoaxes. God will provide all the air and water and coal and everything else we need. It says so in the Bible.
Because I believe in corporal punishment. I spank bad girls. Often. Everywhere I find them. Bad boys too. Just as my dear mother spanked me often.
Because eternal vigilance is the price of liberty. America won't be safe until we win these wars no matter how long it takes and we must also bomb Syria, Russia, North Korea, Cuba, Iran, Europe, Pakistan, China. Colombia too. Or else Venezuela. Whatever. With nuclear weapons.
Because I don't like Barbra Streisand.
Because I am not a robotic unthinking union member, but instead have the courage of my many unyielding convictions.
Because my family is sacred, yet homosexuals want to marry our sons and daughters and ex-wives and mistresses and make them get abortions and burn their American flags.
Because everything was better when Rutherford B. Hayes and Herbert Hoover were president.
Because I watch Fox News on TV every day in my lonely room and cry.
Because I am chronically intoxicated.
- John Litweiler